Friends & Fear

Last Weekend, I did something I've never done before. I went to a Salsa Convention; I went to The Pacific Northwest Seattle Congress. 

For a taste of it, I put a video below of the social. 

The NW Salsa Congress was epic. It was a day of workshops followed by all night dancing. 

To be honest, I'm still trying to recover from it. I danced holes into my shoes, and now at 2 am, I just want to party. 

 I had so much fun, I'm considering going to the March VanCitySBK Festival in  Vancouver BC. It's a lot of money, but if I plan for it sooner, it should be cheaper. Mat knows that I love to dance and has offered to pay for a motel as a Birthday gift. --That might just push me over. 

However for now, I've got more important bills to pay. The Seattle Congress has left my $100 or 200 short on rent. Though the rest is coming soon. The bills will get paid.    

Next year, money is going to be stressful, and I'm afraid. At the same time, I'm excited (Though, I'm not excited for Trump). 

Starting January, I'm going back to college. I'm going to go to Community College to get an Associates of Science in Marine Technology. --at least that is what I'm saying. Really, I'm just going to take classes to see if I like it.

WHY the fuck am I doing that? I've never been on a boat, it's crazy. College nowadays can be the most efficient way to become broke. 

So WHY?... An adviser told me to do it, and I'm desperate.

As far as jobs go, I've been around the block. I've done a little of everything, and nothing has stuck. My work history is a mosaic of quitting, being fired and working gigs.

I'm not good at anything, and it's scary to suck. I want to be stable and safe, but I understand  now that safety is not an option. If I can't have safety, I'm going to do what I want. I'm going to take risks.

I've learned that there is a difference between facing fear (attacking it) and accepting it. Right now, I'm learning to accept it.

In the past, I worked construction, and I really enjoyed working with my hands. However, I had social problems. The men in the construction industry didn't like me, and I thought I could continue by training myself to be less socially sensitive. ..Heh...I Was WRONG.

When I left construction, I was 'stemming' pretty badly.  I was having problems speaking. My social life was non-existent, and I was developing a temper. It wasn't obvious to me that I was 'stemming'. At first, I thought that I was just nervous and that my ticks would go away. They didn't, and I just got worse.

Normally when people 'stem', they rock physically back and forth. I didn't do this., I'd repeat the same word over and over in my mind. As I became more and nervous, the social climate seemingly more hostile, the word would take a larger section of my brain. Until eventually, I couldn't think of anything but repeating the word.

As far as what the word was, usually, I'd pick a monosyllable name of a friend and would repeat it endlessly. Looking back at it, it's really clear I needed connection.

How is that 'stemming'? It's so different from rocking. 

It's repetition. It's reassuring. It blocks the 'realness' of the external world and brings you back to the comfort of the mental realm.

When I was growing up, my twin was diagnosed with severe Autism, and my mother took this news badly. Badly is a bit of an understatement, it nearly destroyed her emotionally. I think from an early age, I learned not to rock because it's such an autistic trait. Visually 'stemming' would make my mom cry. I am socially aware enough not to continue doing that.

Mental repetition is the coping mechanism that I use instead. When I was younger, mental visuals and daydreams would repeat. Now, it's mostly words. ( I moved away from visuals because when your suffering, sometimes the visuals can get unhealthy.)

Words work just fine. I can't stop 'stemming' anymore than I can stop breathing. When I'm nervous, dealing with new experiences, I 'stem'. I thought that isolating myself would make me feel better. It didn't. You get out into the world after a period of isolation and everything is scary. It causes you to 'stem'. That kind of fear is unsustainable.

What is the solution? 
Friends. ..They are reassuring. They are important. The more I feel accepted, the less I feel nervous. The less overwhelmed feel, the more functional I am. Sure, the process of making friends is hard, scary and 'stem' inducing. However, when someone that I love hugs me, I don't 'stem', I just love back.

Love is the sustainable solution.
Being human means being connect, whether you are aware or it or not,

Different Topics- More practical things- Stuff I want to remind myself

I took a workshop on making water-landscapes, and when I get access to money, I'm going to look into designing more of these things.

A few weekends ago, I did my yearly volunteering at the Elwha River. (The Elwha used to be a dammed up river, and then in 2014, the dams were taken down. The restoration work there is experimental ground for future dam demolition at other sites- You think I'd be a big fan of hydroelectric power. I am and I'm not. This dam wasn't producing anything, it was just crippling the ecosystem by blocking the Salmon run. The Plants in Olympic National Forest are limited by the amount of nitrogen in the soil. Salmon brings nitrogen to the ecosystem that enables the trees to grow. A lot of Dams are designed only to last 100 years. )

So, I volunteer yearly to restore the site. By now, the park rangers at the Elwha recognize me because I fraternize with almost every group who volunteers there.

This trip, I started started learning about an incredibly talent woman named Ashley.

She's great at finding pathways, getting resources and connecting groups. Ashley doesn't have much money, but unlike most, it's not a crippling hindrance for her. Ashley is talented at navigating bureaucracies and is passionate about issues of community and the environment. She travels all over the world doing conversation projects that she loves and believes in. I've got nothing but respect for this amazing woman.

 I hope our paths will keep crossing. This Saturday, I'm planning on attending a Mountaineers meeting and giving her a book on Plant Hunters.

 List of Stuff not to Forget

                                                         Potential Classes to Research

Scrambling Course -Mountaineers

Winter Classes/ Navigation/ Nature/ First Aide - Mountaineers

Boaters Exam

Chinese Course?? Spanish Course

Salsa in VAncouver in MArch???

Swimming Classes at the Community Pool

Renton Garden Place- GArden walls-etc 

Keep Eyes Open for Music Classes

Welding Intensive

Various Clubs in January

Rock Garden Society 

West Seattle Rock Club 

Cascade Grotto

Seattle Robotics Society

Current Money Making Jobs

Dirt Corps

Lab Rat for French Studies at UW

Always looking out for other things

Future Volunteering

Theaters 

Duwhamish Restoration 

Estuary/ Salmon Stewards

etc 

Other

Getting a Ticket Home 

Lia's gift

Christmas gifts/cards

memorise - making a course- latin plants- solid state 

staying on top of the news -newshour - npr 

Mat & Sam's Birthday