Ballard Locks and Road Trip

I'm going to the Hoh Rainforest.

It's not smart, but I'm going anyway. I don't have any concrete plans, and to be honest, I just threw a bunch of stuff in my car. My ultimate goal is not to get stuck or have to be rescued. I pray to god-- that my fuck ups will be limited.

I'll write on the road, but I won't update this blog till I get back.

Yesterday, when searching for Vertical World, I discovered the Ballard Locks. Apparently it's a huge tourist destination, and I was completely unaware of it's existence.

Watching all the boating activities, it makes me think I need to explore the industry. This is a huge area for boats, and I don't know shit about boats.

Apart from the Ballard Locks, where I learned a lot of history, I discovered the Carl S. English Jr. Botanical Garden Tour. Carl S. English was just a lawnmower, who by his own creativity and obsession, became one of the leading horticulturalist's of the Seattle region.

I also learned about Hiram M. Chittenden, who through common sense and competence, argued that the locks needed to be built out of concrete and not wood. For his efforts, a replica mannequin of him can be found in the Ballard Locks visitor center.

You also have to admire the gumption of a man like Harvey L. Pike, who took a Pick Axe and started a canal himself before anyone had any say in it. 

So Bye. 

I'm going on the road now.

I'll be back in a few days.

(Also, my personal goal for this week is to get 40 hours of physical activity. 30hrs = Bronze, 35Hrs =Silver, 40Hrs = gold. I'll write down what I do, and what I'm counting)

Climbing..I love it

Ok. Climbing is scary but awesome.
 Without a job, I really can't afford it.. .
I can't do all the things I want to do because it's just greedy..
...but you know, if I don't do these things, people will just call me fat..So, why not be both?
 I want to eat my cake, my pie and a little ice cream too.

 Hmmm, I'm actually considering slightly whorish possibilities. I could walk around in a bikini and see if Sam is loose with his wallet..Though in reality, I think I just want to be sexy around Sam.

Though money and Sam..Now, that's a good fantasy.

Since I'm on the topic of revealing too much, I got to say, I need to try to avoid serious climbing during my period. The fear factor seems to have turned the flow into something biblical. I'm tempted to compare it to the red calamity in Egypt.

Though since adventures don't always come around at convenient times, I'll just learn to deal.

This weekend, I want to go climbing with some old ladies at vertical world, (maybe Salsa and bouldering as well?).
During the week, I want to go to the Hoh Rainforest.
 Then I want to go climbing with my friend in class.....
Then I want to take my class...
it would also be great if I could practice cleaning the anchor.

...Sailing...I also want to explore Sailing the ... recreation department has something on this..Also Jewelry making (filigree), flame working, welding and scuba diving. ...

I want to play with cyanotypes, mosaics, microprocessors, fiberglass and rigging....possibly play with glass & plaster aswell.

Job...I really need to explore a job.

My hidden personality today is ....Robin

(image source= http://adultsfancydresscostumes.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Batman-Robin-Costume-Reviews.jpg)

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I don't feel like going climbing class today, and to encourage myself to go, I'm going to with a alter ego of Robin...Meaning that my favorite exclamations will be Egads! Gosh, Golly ...and Holy (blank)!!

It's Morning, and I'm Awake!

It's morning! It's morning!!
I woke up in the morning!!!
The sun us out, and it's glorious.

I  treated myself to a breakfast at Randy's because the occasion was so momentousness.

Interestingly enough, it was my period that reset my sleep cycle. The cramps woke me up during the day, and a wave of fatigue put me to sleep for about 17 hours. Biological cycles and rhythms, it's a fascinating phenomenon.

Anyways, I'm going to be a day dweller again, and I'm hoping this will change my outlook on life.

It turns out, I was not fired from Amazon right away. I got a call from Amazon asking me where I have been. ...(Opps, I guess I need to keep my negativity in check).... I still haven't called them back. As immature as it is, I don't want to talk to them. That job is done with nothing but a few checks to show for it.

I should just jump into the job market again, but I'm planning on going to the Hoh Rainforest next week. I've never been there and want to clear my head before whoring myself off to the job market again.

......
Tonight is my climbing class. Tonight, we are going to learn about how pull the anchor gear off for an out door climb, and how to rappel back down. I'll try to post some notes and videos about this today.

Judas

I want to move away from my household.
I've wanted it for years.

However, the cost of it is great. I can't separate Sam and/or Mat from their friends--I can't separate them from the house.

I'm stuck.

But when Char talks about moving again, when we have just settled from the craziness of the fire. It pushes me to the edge again.

It reminds me of how I hate being under the tyranny of Char. How I'd lose everything, but I can't live by Chars whims.  I have no power of what goes on in this house, except through Sam and Mat.

Though if I were to leave, it upset things greatly. It would make Sam and Mat restless, and it would put their loyalty into question.

If I left, it would be a betrayal to everyone in the house. I wouldn't let Sam and/or Mat follow me, and the real glue that holds the house together would weaken.

No, if I had to leave the house completely, I'd have to break up with Sam and Mat...the emotional cost of that is too great. (maybe I could just be a bitch and the love would just fade..slowly and painfully...maybe Sam and Mat could start new relationships)

However, if I let Char make these awkward leadership decisions, he's going to make the house destitute and broke beyond what anyone can support. (With every move, thousands get wasted)

On the selfish front, I will lose what I have, and that will undermine my ability to support myself. Since my ability to get a job is unreliable, I'll have to become dependent wholly on Sam and Mat.

If Mat and Sam's resources are tied in with the house, I'm screwed. Also, I can't depend that Sam and Mat will understand my needs.

I need a skill that people will reliably pay me for...
But god, it would be so much easier if people listened to me for once.  

More Dreams

I just woke up.

I dreamed that I snuck into the Chinese embassy by climbing in the ceiling. It was about 10 stories high, and the embassy had wide open construction design. I was climbing, and one of my hands was carrying important paperwork, such as my passport. I was in the building just above the important staff, when I realized that climbing with 3 limbs is quite difficult. To keep from falling, I had to drop my papers. Right in front of the officials. My passport fell at their feet. They looked up. There I was. I smiled.

Later, I dreamed that the cats had to be put in quarantine because they were sick, and we (the household) didn't know it. They all had fevers. I blamed the foo.d dish set-up.

Dreamy Dreams

Lastly, I keep dreaming of ghosts and graveyards.

This is from my 15.3 mile walk yesterday. I walked from 1 to 7 am and saw only 4 people. Everything was silent and dark. The only noise apparent were the cars, who hummed along unknowingly. Oblivious to oblivion, and seeing only the road ahead.

I have a tentative goal to stay active for 40 hours of my week--(walking counts.) It should be easy to do, but it's quite hard to orchestrate. I don't see myself making it this week. Is that a mindset, an observation or a differing sense of priority?

I guess, I'll just keep on dreaming.

Twisting, Fluxing & Shifting Identity

My brother's wife (Zhou) posted an article on how Confucian philosophy should be taught in American schools.

Americans teach each other that they need to find their 'true' selves, but in fact, a static version of identity is a myth. Confucius believed that identity is in constant flux, and that we as human beings are always re-inventing ourselves. We can explore different personalities to generate different outcomes and propel ourselves into different situations.

A more precise understanding of this article can be obtained from here.
http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-college-of-chinese-wisdom-1459520703

(imagesource= https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c8/LifeAndWorksOfConfucius1687.jpg)

I need to play around with my identity. Who I am now, isn't working well for me. 

Some days, I need to be a Natasha, Vivian, or a Monique.

Some days I need to be a Francis, Harvey or a Mohammed. 

Some days, I need to be an Amber or a Molly. 

Some days I need to be a Bob or a Joe. 

Some days, I need to be a bad-ass Stephanie. 

 Though always, I will be a Nor, which is Arabic for 'light'. (Hopefully shining a light on people, figuratively or literally) 

The question boils down to, who are you going to be?

(a new chapter in this blog begins, this chapter is changing from the queen of disaster to the collector to tales)

Corporate Affairs

Without my thermals, my body wasn't very cold, but due to a psychological disturbance, my soul was a tad chilly.

....
Onward, to my real point.
.....

I just got fired from Amazon.

Just when I was about to start my shift, I discovered a message on my phone. The account manager at smx staffing needed to talk to me before my shift. Pessimistically connecting the dots, I figured I was about to be fired. Even if I didn't get fired, the account manager at the staffing company had nothing truly pleasant to say.

So I threw my phone into the endless trash pit ,that is my car, and I drove away. I haven't been to work in two days, and if I wasn't fired before, I certainly am fired now.

Why didn't I call the account manager back?

Well, I've been working at Amazon for nearly a month and a half, and I've watched 70-80% of the people either quit or get fired. I can't say who quits or who gets fired. People just stop showing up.

I've thought about getting fired a lot, and the real damage of getting fired is not losing the job. Don't get me wrong, that sucks.... but what will hurt is the emotional rejection. You throw yourself at a company, you get used, and then, they toss you away. Call me a romantic, but that sounds like a break up.

So when I got the call, I didn't call back. I need that vagueness, that sense of control. I need to know that when people/companies are about to piss on me...  I can just walk away

I don't need an explanation from Amazon why they are firing me. It could be my low rate on Friday. It could be that I accidentally breached a security barrier, while trying to help a coworker. It could be that I haven't shown up in the past two days..whatever

All I really need to know is that, Amazon is my equivalent of a one-night-stand. Me and Amazon had a quickie. I don't really need or want to know why Amazon isn't there anymore....  Because either way I know that, Amazon is a shithead... Regardless of what I did. 

It's not going to be my last- corporate- toss around in the hay. Lately, in the world of jobs, I haven't been a commitment girl. Just can't find a handsome company, who will sweep me off my feet and tell me to do the dishes for adequate pay.

I just need to be rescued by some employer who will take care of me. Instead, I'm surrounded by scum, who talk about productivity, like men who compare the sizes of their dicks. 

(imagesource=https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d7/1916-skin-touch-soap-ad.jpg)

My Weekend and The Alibi

My weekend was lovely. I stayed at the Palms motel, and during the day, I hung out with my family. At night because there was nothing to do, I hung out at a bar called The Alibi.

My relatives on my mom's  side are highly-educated, academic, wealthy and well-traveled.

I am the least educated, least well-traveled and probably the most impoverished on my mom's side of the family (this is all excluding my autistic twin).

My uncle, who normally lives in Australia, is seemingly the wildest of my relatives. He has been mugged in Armenia, Bulgaria (some other places) and has been arrested in China. He has current plans to bike the Artic circle, is a regular camper and drives a bus for a living. ...It's nice to know that not everybody in my family prefers to sit and read.

It's awkward hanging out with my family. They think I'm retarded.
It a bit of a story how this came about, but I'm not sure how to explain myself without ranting. Below is a picture of us all together.

Although I'm not fond of how I look in this photo, I'll cherish it. It's rare to find this side of my family all in one place.

This is my Palms Motel, which I was made fun of for staying at it, but it turned out to be quite a pleasant time. My bed was awesome, and everything about the motel, I liked. I especially liked the neon sign and the charming ambiance.

I give the motel 5 stars. It was a great experience of DirectTV and trying to convince the staff to leave me alone during the day.

I also learned a lot from my family. -a hospital after Katrina actively killed some of it's patients after the disaster

Amazon uses an algorithm derived from baseball to determine its hiring, firing and rate procedures....supposedly an article in the nytimes talks about it.

I'll write more later. I just don't have a good system that adequately uses my time for these blog posts. I need to solve this problem.
   

Mad at WinPort

I am so mad at Windows and Portland. ....It just went on and on and on .....

Naked Seal Dream

I'm staying at a cheap motel in Portland for a family reunion. So far, the whole experience has been an adventure.

Though instead of writing about my adventure, because I'm sill in the midst of it, I'm going to write about my freaky dream last night.

It turns out my motel is nice, and the beds are especially comfy, leaving me with vivid dreams.

So in my dreams, I was sleeping next to a ridiculously attractive man, who also happened to be naked. I turn to the man and say, "Hey, we've gone this far, we might as well get sexy".

So we both start caressing each other with a sexual intent, and it feels weird. So I turn to the guy and say, "You know, this isn't my style. Let's just goof off.

Then we horseplay naked. I try to balance the guy on my foot and roll him into a ball like a circus act. We pretend to be seals, play cowboys and Indians and just do the silliest things I can think of. In my dream, it's a blast and insanely fun.

Then Sam walks in on us acting like seals. He instantly looks dejected. With that look, I suddenly feel guilty but confused.

I feel guilty because I feel that I cheated, but then confused because I'm wondering if pretending to be a seal with another man naked is cheating.

Then I wake up.

Road Trip!!!!!!

Supernatural Dreams

I just woke up and had a nightmare...or since it was the day, I had a daymare. 

Anyways let me tell you, it was a pretty bitching nightmare.

I dreamed that Reuben, an old housemate came back to visit. Although he looked alive, it turns out that he was dead. He was only alive because of a deathly curse etched onto his body. 

Masquerading as a friend, it becomes apparent that Reuben wants to kill me. So I fight him, with a slash and burn kind of style. I'm able to fight Reuben and he runs away but then the cops show up. I'm handcuffed to the Sheriff. 

An army of undead fighters, some of them seemingly beautiful women, then try to kill me and the Sheriff. It turns out that the Sheriff has an extra shotgun, and we shoot the night away with our big guns. Till eventually we get into a big battle scene with Reuben himself. (Also Reuben has the capacity to fly) 

I can't recall how it ends, but damn that dream was awesome.

 And the first thing that I thought when I woke up, is that I miss Reuben. 

Weird. 

Jade Garden Problems

The truth is, I feel very stressed out. Next week, I'm going to be continuously busy and won't have any time to 'think', read, watch TV or zone out.

I feel a little over stimulated. I want to sit by myself in a dark room and calm down.. but that's not an option.

Here are the Things Stressing me Out

1) The climbing class is a lot of work, and I can't seem to get the money or the proper practice for it. I still need one piece of equipment --which is an PAS or anchor system. I need to have more time to clime and someone to climb with me. 

2) The tax guy still hasn't contacted me back and I need to have the taxes done or figure out what I'm going to so next..and I need to know how much I'm paying him. 

3) My relatives are visiting next week in a family reunion. They are all going to meet-up in Portland and so, I have to devote my next weekend to doing that. 

4) In Portland, I was going to stay with my mom and dad at a hotel, but since I'm awake at night, I don't think that will work out. I need to have my own hotel room. Also, my parents don't know I'm working nights, and they will disapprove. ..I need to plan my trip

5) Inspection is coming for the house I'm staying at. I need to get my stuff out of there and find some place to sleep during the day. 

6) My job is tiring me. I don't know how to eat and sleep...and not feel exhausted/groggy. 

7) I keep skipping out on the groceries, which forces me to waste money buying food.

8) The elitist side of my family is meeting up. The elitist side of my family actually thinks I'm retarded. I'm not looking forward to telling them I work in a warehouse and that I've been a screw-up for most of  my adult life. ...despite obvious opportunities. 

9) My Car needs the love. I think one of my tires has a slow leak and it needs to get its oil changed. 

10) I still owe money for this month's rent, and I need to worry about next month's rent.

11) My Teeth constantly hurt and the  peroneus longusleg muscle on my right side tends to cramp up. My knees hurt when I squat to lift things at work..it has caused me to occasionally use my back to lift things...naughty naughty

12) Bra Problems

13) never see sam

Ok, that is all I need to worry about right now. Let's figure our solutions....

1) On the climbing class. Let's do our best. It doesn't matter if we pass the class. It wold be nice, but it never hurts to receive more instruction. ..the PAS anchor system will be bought before class on Friday ..and just make the time/money to climb at a gym once a week...until someone joins you. Next week, sneak off to a climbing gym in portland at least once. 

2) Wait, if he doesn't contact you by the end of next weekend. File an extension with IRS. 

3) Just do it. After climbing class on Friday, if you are safe to drive, book it to Portland. Use that trip to get you tired enough to stay awake during the day. Sunday during the day, book it back. If you are too tired, sleep in your car for a bit. 

4) Tell your dad about your situation. It's not flattering, but you need his help. 

5) Try to clean up for a few minutes a day during the week. Think about good places to sleep during the day. 

6) I don't know what to say on this one. Maybe see if you can take a day off sometime. ..this job shouldn't last forever. Figure out a plan for quitting. 

7) Groceries are good, but just buy your food this week ..and possibly next week...till you can figure out a system for getting food. 

8) Uh, bite the bullet.... They can think what they want, but at the end of the day, everybody goes home. 

9) Check your air pressure before work. See i you can clean your car and get an oil change. .....I'm doubting this will happen, but it's important. 

10) Get climbing gear, get taxes, feed self, go to Portland, pay rent....ask for help in going to Portland. ..pay your rent as soon as your can. 

11) Fucking take care of your teeth. and I don't know what you need to do to your leg,,,but figure it out. Don't use your back to lift things...uh i don't know....homework

12) don't wear a bra if you can avoid it. You need to do some homework on this.

13) Can't do shit about that...just try to see him when you can.

Mat and I went to the Jade Garden, only late night establishment open at 1:00am. It felt like a Noir movie. 

College of Chinese Wisdom WSJ Article

http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-college-of-chinese-wisdom-1459520703

“The Path: What Chinese Philosophers Can Teach Us About the Good Life,” published next week by Simon & Schuster.

Too Tired to read this whole article right now, but what I did read was very interesting. This is from Zhao, my brother's wife. . 

Toddler Tantrum

The rock climbing class was fun, but I am worried about getting the gear for the class. I need a lots of stuff, and my budget/ time is so tight.

After class, Sam took me on a date at the casino. We ate the food, and the atmosphere at the casino was unique.

I'm not proud of this, but at the casino, I had a bit of a tantrum. I got all upset and cried at Sam. ...Ranting about how no one takes me seriously and how I miss school. My time with Sam is so precious, and it's frustrating when I act like that.

Though we talked it out, and when we got home, I fell asleep. I suppose, I've been pretty exhausted. I felt better after having a 3 hour nap, and now that I've woken up I feel better but still am tired. I'm going to go to bed again soon.

Just before bed, I want to write about how I didn't mean to get upset around Sam, and how even though I was tired, venting really exposed some needs.

My parents are intellectuals, and I'm working in a warehouse that tells me exactly what to do and when to do it. I haven't been feeling very thoughtful or educated lately. I need to actively educate myself. Without that drive, I'm losing a whole dimension of existence.

Also being uneducated makes me feel very vulnerable. What you don't know will hurt you.

I can, and I will learn new things. And that doing this is very very important.

ok, that is all... I can go to sleep now.

(Just some quick notes that I don't want to forget ......I just finished a sexy book on dragon lovers! The mountaineers program center was incredible. I really want to explore the neighborhood. I'm excited about climbing with new lady friends...Also Sam is not better at everything. Whatever part of your brain that thinks Sam can do things and you can't, it needs to stop. Sam is better at certain things because he works hard. He is develops faster physically b/c of testosterone, an uncanny ability to rest and a fundamental understanding that technique makes life easier ..and learns shortcuts...So stop thinking that Sam can do everything. It's oppressive to you. It's oppressive to Sam.)

Birthday Cider

It's 7:18 AM, and I'm having a cider. Being a night shift worker, no matter what you do, you feel like a deviant.

My work is done for the week.

Tonight, I'm going to take an Intro to Rock Climbing Class. I'm not sure how I'm going to take this class. ... I'm exhausted on Fridays, haven't done any sort of climbing for about a year, and money has been stressing me out.

I'm far more scared of taxes and the IRS than any fucking rockwall, but I'm pretty fucking scared of the rock wall.

I think that's why I'm so attracted to climbing... I'm afraid of heights, but I can face it.

It's a metaphor for life. If you can control your fear and think clearly, you can go anywhere you want.

So when I climb, despite being traumatic, I feel very accomplished.

Apart from that, it's my nephew's 2nd birthday. He's lives on the East Coast, so I can't celebrate it with him, but I'll consider sending him a gift.

This is him when I saw him last. I don't even want to think about how much he has grown. This is him on his first birthday.

Pretty cute, huh? 

Anyways, I'm having trouble concentrating.... I really need to go to sleep. 

After my shift, I gave into temptation and got one of those breakfast egg sandwiches sold at the gas station. Somehow, it was both gross and delicious. ...it contained 50% fat...After eating it, I regret not eating a stick of butter wrapped in bacon instead. I think it would have been healthier. 

. But you gotta love your chemicals...yum ..sodium aluminum phosphate. 

...
Anyways...
................Sleep

The Nature of Exploitation

A guy pissed me off at work today. He treated me like I was retarded.

That guy, I'll call him Larry, has the highest picking rate at Amazon Fresh, and of course, I'm jealous. (...I delude myself into thinking, if only my rate is fast enough, I'll have job security...)

However, Larry has no right to call me dumb for not knowing how to use the damage tool on the rf gun.

Frankly, I'd rather be homeless than take shit from a guy like Larry.

Fortunately, Larry is not my boss.

Though Roger, my young friend at Amazon, uses Larry as a mentor, and as a result, Roger has transformed into one of the fastest pickers there.

 Unfortunately, Roger's ego is also becoming unmanageable. I keep telling Roger that picking at Amazon is not an education.

It's a form of exploitation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The machine turns,
The failure of the weak
Fuels
The muscle of the strong
Till the strong
Become the weak
And the cycle begins
Again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But whatever..I'm just a little oversensitive at times.

Long Weekend, Long Week Ahead

I finally have a moment to write in this blog.

This morning (afternoon or whatever) was close to being catastrophic. I was inches away from getting into my first car crash. I was groggy and driving, and suddenly a car dived into my lane. There was no warning or anything, so I swerved while braking at the same time.

I thought about blaring my horn or giving the guy the finger, but the guy knows he fucked up... And nothing really happened ...so I'm happy.

I'm going to have to go to work in about an hour. I was too lazy this weekend to get my errands done, and so I'm getting everything done at the last minute. Right now, I'm anxiously waiting for my thermals to dry because it's horrible to work in a refrigerator without thermals. ...but they were just so dirty
This weekend was crazy, and this week is going to be intense.

Friday night, Sam, G and I went to a party. I was supposed to pick everyone up after work, but I arrived late because I lost track of time. We didn't end up at the party til after midnight. Sam was exhausted, but he is always willing to make sacrifices to socialize.

Our friend K turned out to be mysteriously wealthy. I didn't think she was poor, but we arrived at her place, and it turned out to be a goddamn mansion. When we opened the door to this mansion, streams of drunken beautiful women were dancing in the doorway. 

My first thought was, 'do all these beautiful women have their own mansion?' 
And then I felt guilty for being late to this party because G is a bachelor and this is obviously the kind of party you pick up a lady.

These lovely ladies were all especially fond of my bright pink coat, and whether it was bad or good, I seemed to have made an impression. I resisted taking off my coat and said it was because it was because someone might steal it.... But really I felt more awkward not wearing a bra.

I took my jacket off, and then the party started. ..

6 shots of fireball later, Sam drove me & G home. I recall some interesting and embarrassing conversations ..and then, I recall bed,.Sam says I was so drunk, I had trouble navigating the stairs. Poor Sam, I must have been a pain.

Anyways, of course I woke up with a hang over, and since all I ate before this party was a bowl of Marconi, my hangover was intense. Though 6 shots of fireball, it should have been worse.

I left my jacket at the party. I was told to pick it up from the mansion, but when I got there, there was nobody there. The lights were dark, and I could see my jacket in the window. The door creaked opened when I got near, and I quickly ran in for it, ..Luckily, I wasn't arrested.

So, I slept it off and started projecting on pysanka, a Ukrainian egg dyeing process. This whole process deserves its own blog post, but right now, I'm out of time. Hopefully, I'll get to it later. (It took me 4 hours to do one freakin egg!)

The rest of the week is going to be crazy. Thursday, during the day, I'm traveling with Sam for a tax appointment. I know I don't owe the government much because my total income for the year was below the poverty line. However, due to the Fire last year, I had to sell some complicated things that I don't have proper documentation for...So I'm going to go to a tax adviser and see if he the adviser flips out from stress...because I so desperately want to follow the law, but the law is complicated and outlandish..

On Friday, I'm going to a Intro to Rock Climbing course with the Mountaineers. (Fuck, I owe them money too).. I'm not prepared physically, financially or emotionally for this class..but since I'm already registered, I better just try it out anyway. 

It might truly be awful. Or maybe by some small miracle, it will be fantastic.

no awful...definitely 

awful.