Friends & Fear

Last Weekend, I did something I've never done before. I went to a Salsa Convention; I went to The Pacific Northwest Seattle Congress. 

For a taste of it, I put a video below of the social. 

The NW Salsa Congress was epic. It was a day of workshops followed by all night dancing. 

To be honest, I'm still trying to recover from it. I danced holes into my shoes, and now at 2 am, I just want to party. 

 I had so much fun, I'm considering going to the March VanCitySBK Festival in  Vancouver BC. It's a lot of money, but if I plan for it sooner, it should be cheaper. Mat knows that I love to dance and has offered to pay for a motel as a Birthday gift. --That might just push me over. 

However for now, I've got more important bills to pay. The Seattle Congress has left my $100 or 200 short on rent. Though the rest is coming soon. The bills will get paid.    

Next year, money is going to be stressful, and I'm afraid. At the same time, I'm excited (Though, I'm not excited for Trump). 

Starting January, I'm going back to college. I'm going to go to Community College to get an Associates of Science in Marine Technology. --at least that is what I'm saying. Really, I'm just going to take classes to see if I like it.

WHY the fuck am I doing that? I've never been on a boat, it's crazy. College nowadays can be the most efficient way to become broke. 

So WHY?... An adviser told me to do it, and I'm desperate.

As far as jobs go, I've been around the block. I've done a little of everything, and nothing has stuck. My work history is a mosaic of quitting, being fired and working gigs.

I'm not good at anything, and it's scary to suck. I want to be stable and safe, but I understand  now that safety is not an option. If I can't have safety, I'm going to do what I want. I'm going to take risks.

I've learned that there is a difference between facing fear (attacking it) and accepting it. Right now, I'm learning to accept it.

In the past, I worked construction, and I really enjoyed working with my hands. However, I had social problems. The men in the construction industry didn't like me, and I thought I could continue by training myself to be less socially sensitive. ..Heh...I Was WRONG.

When I left construction, I was 'stemming' pretty badly.  I was having problems speaking. My social life was non-existent, and I was developing a temper. It wasn't obvious to me that I was 'stemming'. At first, I thought that I was just nervous and that my ticks would go away. They didn't, and I just got worse.

Normally when people 'stem', they rock physically back and forth. I didn't do this., I'd repeat the same word over and over in my mind. As I became more and nervous, the social climate seemingly more hostile, the word would take a larger section of my brain. Until eventually, I couldn't think of anything but repeating the word.

As far as what the word was, usually, I'd pick a monosyllable name of a friend and would repeat it endlessly. Looking back at it, it's really clear I needed connection.

How is that 'stemming'? It's so different from rocking. 

It's repetition. It's reassuring. It blocks the 'realness' of the external world and brings you back to the comfort of the mental realm.

When I was growing up, my twin was diagnosed with severe Autism, and my mother took this news badly. Badly is a bit of an understatement, it nearly destroyed her emotionally. I think from an early age, I learned not to rock because it's such an autistic trait. Visually 'stemming' would make my mom cry. I am socially aware enough not to continue doing that.

Mental repetition is the coping mechanism that I use instead. When I was younger, mental visuals and daydreams would repeat. Now, it's mostly words. ( I moved away from visuals because when your suffering, sometimes the visuals can get unhealthy.)

Words work just fine. I can't stop 'stemming' anymore than I can stop breathing. When I'm nervous, dealing with new experiences, I 'stem'. I thought that isolating myself would make me feel better. It didn't. You get out into the world after a period of isolation and everything is scary. It causes you to 'stem'. That kind of fear is unsustainable.

What is the solution? 
Friends. ..They are reassuring. They are important. The more I feel accepted, the less I feel nervous. The less overwhelmed feel, the more functional I am. Sure, the process of making friends is hard, scary and 'stem' inducing. However, when someone that I love hugs me, I don't 'stem', I just love back.

Love is the sustainable solution.
Being human means being connect, whether you are aware or it or not,

Different Topics- More practical things- Stuff I want to remind myself

I took a workshop on making water-landscapes, and when I get access to money, I'm going to look into designing more of these things.

A few weekends ago, I did my yearly volunteering at the Elwha River. (The Elwha used to be a dammed up river, and then in 2014, the dams were taken down. The restoration work there is experimental ground for future dam demolition at other sites- You think I'd be a big fan of hydroelectric power. I am and I'm not. This dam wasn't producing anything, it was just crippling the ecosystem by blocking the Salmon run. The Plants in Olympic National Forest are limited by the amount of nitrogen in the soil. Salmon brings nitrogen to the ecosystem that enables the trees to grow. A lot of Dams are designed only to last 100 years. )

So, I volunteer yearly to restore the site. By now, the park rangers at the Elwha recognize me because I fraternize with almost every group who volunteers there.

This trip, I started started learning about an incredibly talent woman named Ashley.

She's great at finding pathways, getting resources and connecting groups. Ashley doesn't have much money, but unlike most, it's not a crippling hindrance for her. Ashley is talented at navigating bureaucracies and is passionate about issues of community and the environment. She travels all over the world doing conversation projects that she loves and believes in. I've got nothing but respect for this amazing woman.

 I hope our paths will keep crossing. This Saturday, I'm planning on attending a Mountaineers meeting and giving her a book on Plant Hunters.

 List of Stuff not to Forget

                                                         Potential Classes to Research

Scrambling Course -Mountaineers

Winter Classes/ Navigation/ Nature/ First Aide - Mountaineers

Boaters Exam

Chinese Course?? Spanish Course

Salsa in VAncouver in MArch???

Swimming Classes at the Community Pool

Renton Garden Place- GArden walls-etc 

Keep Eyes Open for Music Classes

Welding Intensive

Various Clubs in January

Rock Garden Society 

West Seattle Rock Club 

Cascade Grotto

Seattle Robotics Society

Current Money Making Jobs

Dirt Corps

Lab Rat for French Studies at UW

Always looking out for other things

Future Volunteering

Theaters 

Duwhamish Restoration 

Estuary/ Salmon Stewards

etc 

Other

Getting a Ticket Home 

Lia's gift

Christmas gifts/cards

memorise - making a course- latin plants- solid state 

staying on top of the news -newshour - npr 

Mat & Sam's Birthday

Title Change

In preparation for the trip to Iceland, the title of this blog is changing from "Dangerous Obsessions" to "Green Ice".

The Cycle

When you eat, you destroy. However in this destruction, you recycle. And when you die, you give it back.

The Nature of Business

I am researching Benefit Corporations for an organization called Dirt Corps, and frankly, I'm getting upset.

I hate the machinery of business.

Businesses are social structures designed to extract money. You can call them many things and give them wonderful mission statements, but at the end of the day, a business makes money.

They asked me, "What is your pie-in the-sky vision for a Dirt Corps Company?"

I don't have a pie-in the-sky vision. I know what a business is, and they don't. Businesses are not for public good. They provide the illusion of convenience, while extracting resources.

A proper business goes a "viking'. They plunder and pillage. They waste the environment and eventually disintegrate. They get bigger and squash their competitors. Then when nothing is left to extract, they die.

A business is a low form of social organization, and as a species, I think we can do better. .

So I finally found a group that helps me to do good in this world, and they want to become a business? Ok, fine.

What is my vision for this business? I want business to act as an independent contractor, perhaps as an LLC. I hope it helps the rest of Dirt Corps to become a training ground for future environmental change. I hope it builds a few rain gardens, it makes a little money, it supports a couple of families, and then before it gets big and finds something to exploit, it dies. I hope it stays small, does a little good and then it dies.

On the other hand, I hope the organization of Dirt Corps lasts a long time and continues to do good. Do you see the difference? Do you understand?

games

playsterr.com/dont-tap-the-tiles
http://www.adultswim.com/games/web/robot-unicorn-attack-evolution

http://www.kongregate.com/games/chickadeegames/notorious-inc

www.gamesfree123.com/puzzle/3983/play-bubble-town-quest

playsterr.com/cut-the-rope

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/533001

http://jayisgames.com/games/the-earl-octopusor/

https://archive.org/details/msdos_Oregon_Trail_The_1990

playsterr.com/cowboy-vs-martians

http://www.crazygames.com/game/color-run

http://hextris.io/

http://armorgames.com/community/thread/12397780/the-awakening-rpg-walkthrough

http://2048game.com/

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/674476

http://www.miniclip.com/games/orbox-c/en/
http://armorgames.com/play/15474/min-hero-tower-of-sages

bdsm test

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
88% Rigger
82% Dominant
78% Primal (Hunter)
78% Voyeur
75% Rope bunny
74% Exhibitionist
65% Vanilla
65% Master/Mistress
56% Non-monogamist
50% Primal (Prey)
47% Sadist
39% Switch
38% Owner
37% Experimentalist
36% Masochist
36% Brat
35% Brat tamer
28% Submissive
22% Daddy/Mommy
17% Degrader
15% Girl/Boy
13% Pet
12% Slave
10% Ageplayer
8% Degradee

http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=2696257

Friends

It's the morning before my double shift at the fair, and I'm thinking of all the ways to make friends.

There are a lot of Spanish speakers in my area, and to be honest, a little knowledge goes a long way. Maybe I should consider a Spanish class?

In the past, I wasn't good at Spanish. My essays in Spanish caused more laughter than anything I've done in my life. I don't know what I said, but I was a freaking comedian.

Kindness is another strategy. Perhaps if I'm learn to be nice enough, people will want to be my friend, . 

Learning to express ideas and emotions efficiently would be another one.

Lastly, I could just offer my friendship openly and see if there are any takers. 

It's not true that I don't have friends, I just don't know how to express myself and bond appropriately. 

I'd be great if I solved people's problems, but so far, that hasn't happened.Experience has told me, I usually make people's problems worst. 

Lastly, I should stop listening to my older brother. I'll talk more on this sometime, but he has become a toxic person. I still want to connect.