Dangerous Obsessions

I need write about my obsession with Ben, the sex offender.

Friday, I left the Manufacturing Academy early because I was feeling sick .This weekend I haven't done anything but sleep.

Anyways, my obsession with Ben....

 Despite my better judgement, I did a background check on Ben. ..(Oh god, I'm turning into my mom)

What I found is disturbing and is embarrassing to read.

 The rape in which he was charged, he gave a visiting 20 year old girl, a place to stay, and when she tried to leave in the middle of the night, he raped her. I find that story menacing, but the more interesting story was his attempted rape case, in which he was primarily charged with burglary. Pretending to be a acquaintance of a 70 year-old woman's husband, he was given entry into the disabled woman's home. When the woman wheeled into her living room, he was waiting for her on her couch. He then wheeled the woman into her bedroom, saying something how she "was in for a treat and was about to get some sex today". In the bedroom, he tried to remove the woman's pants. However, the woman fought back. In the ensuing conflict, the woman fell down and hit her head. The assailant decided to abort the mission and fled, taking $65 with him.

First off--emotional vent---God, what a piece of shit! He was a real piece of crap...Second, WTF?! ....Probably thought raping someone in a wheelchair was easy...IDIOT....ok ok, I'm good now.

I really wish I was ok with him being a sex offender, but I'm disgusted. I have a morbid fascination with who he is and why he is who he is.

.if that makes any sense?

I can't figure the guy out, and it's driving me crazy.  I think Ben would make a fantastic independent film about the nature of sexual assault, our prison system and the special societal stigmatization of sexual offenders.

Also, I am personally having trouble interpreting Ben's remarks. I realize that every remark he says can be interpreted differently. For example...

I was talking about my household, and the cheap rent, and he asked, "So when you go home, are there people in the halls?"

 My answer, "Of course, there are people. There are lots of people", which is true.
He responds, "That's too bad. I wouldn't want to live like that."

The way he phrased that initial question was creepy.  It was too specific.

Also, he is a hiker, and I've been encouraging him in this because I think it's important for ex-felons to get a change of scenery, but  when he suggests that we should go hiking, my encouragement ends.

The day that Ben was announced as a level 3 sex offender in class, I felt bad for him. It's humiliating to have your dirty laundry aired in public. During lunch, he asked if I would sit with him, and I agreed because I could sense he felt vulnerable and needed the support.

But I won't lie, the conversation went weird that day.

He looked me up and down, as if evaluating my character. He said, " You're a strong person, aren't you? " I put my hands up in air and said, " I guess".

Then he went on. He said, "I told my friend that there's a hot girl in my class...." He continued talking but my mind went blank.  I concentrated so hard on that statement, that I missed everything else he said. By the time he finished talking, he showed me a picture of a black woman with a fat booty, which was apparently sent by his friend.
He said, "it looks uncomfortable."
I said, " It does. I feel bad for people that fat". He didn't agree, but his disagreement says nothing about his character.

Anyways, when he talked about there being hot girl in his class, I don't know what he was trying to say or do.  Was he talking about me? Was he talking about some other girl in class? Was he talking about the MA before ours? Anyways, it was weird....

I know Ben is trying to reform himself, and his crimes happened nearly 20 years ago. But...but...but.. he is still creepy.

I don't understand him. How can I? This is my suspicion of who he is...

 I think Ben is a power rapist. He is a white male, who was born into extreme poverty. He had a fucked-up childhood, that was consistently littered with violence. When Ben reached adulthood, Ben was a white male, who could not support himself. Feeling inadequate and unable, Ben looked saw burglary and rape as a way to restore his own sense of masculinity. He also has a personality disorder that prevents him from forming close relationships and having empathy for others.

He has been actively reforming himself. To some degree, he has been successful, but on another level, he is still the same creeper. He is always battling his normalized impulses.

Here are my predictions.

Ben is not choosy of targets. He is looking for easy and convenient.
Ben does manipulate, lie and plot...but he wants easy.
Ben will use acts of charity as a form of gaining trust.
Ben is more of a danger, when he feels personally vulnerable or inadequate.
When societal doors shut on Ben, it makes him more likely to offend in the future.
The only reason why Ben has good behavior is because he is looking to have a better life.
Ben wants a girlfriend but does not have the capacity to empathize. He is emotionally disabled. To have a relationship, Ben needs to exercise restraint.

Things I can do to protect myself
Form a strong social network
Don't go hiking with Ben, --only if there is a third party involved.
When Ben says or does something weird, it important to talk about it.
Avoid Ben when his ego has taken an active hit or when he seems vulnerable
Understand that nothing that Ben says or does will ever be my fault, Ben is the master of his own destiny.
Having a strong sense of entitlement and clear communication is essential

Also, I shouldn't fear Ben. Ben should fear me.