I'm drunk, and I'm happy for my household...and I'm rethinking about how I live my life.
Some time ago, I thought birthdays were stupid, and now, I'm wishing that everyone would wish me a happy birthday. ...It's so hypocritical.
When did I turn so sour towards birthdays?
I guess it's when I started giving money away.
Years ago, I offered to make a cake for Slyvia's birthday party, but she didn't really want that from me. Instead, she wanted me to pay for her party, and so I did. In the end, it made me feel used.
When Roo had a party many years ago, Char begged me for $200 for a game system and a party bill. It was fine, but afterwards, I felt unloved.
Every year, I avoid celebrating my own birthday because I'm afraid of paying for someone else's. I hate this system of treating people like queens and/or kings on their birthday. It just makes everyone else feel responsible for their happiness...or at least I feel the pressure of responsibility on my shoulders.
I just want to do nice things when I feel like it and not be forced into it. In the past, birthday's have felt like a forced thing. Somebody's birthday happens, and since nobody can pay for it, I'm stuck with the bill.
For me, the best birthday gifts are sentimental. Many years ago, Ziem wrote me a poem. Megan gave me a cupcake. My dad bought me that ridiculously stupid video game of cats. Mat bought me a compressor for Valentines day. Sam got me a ring of ridiculous value that is not practical for anything but a wedding. ..
I don't know, it might be that I'm sappy but I love when somebody makes something for me. I can't buy it, and it means so much more.
But this year, I'm lonely. I want people to love me with a needy desperation. I don't deserve it, but I still want people to love me for being who I am.
So, I'm rethinking how I view birthday's.
Maybe I'll make cards for everyone.
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