Judas

I want to move away from my household.
I've wanted it for years.

However, the cost of it is great. I can't separate Sam and/or Mat from their friends--I can't separate them from the house.

I'm stuck.

But when Char talks about moving again, when we have just settled from the craziness of the fire. It pushes me to the edge again.

It reminds me of how I hate being under the tyranny of Char. How I'd lose everything, but I can't live by Chars whims.  I have no power of what goes on in this house, except through Sam and Mat.

Though if I were to leave, it upset things greatly. It would make Sam and Mat restless, and it would put their loyalty into question.

If I left, it would be a betrayal to everyone in the house. I wouldn't let Sam and/or Mat follow me, and the real glue that holds the house together would weaken.

No, if I had to leave the house completely, I'd have to break up with Sam and Mat...the emotional cost of that is too great. (maybe I could just be a bitch and the love would just fade..slowly and painfully...maybe Sam and Mat could start new relationships)

However, if I let Char make these awkward leadership decisions, he's going to make the house destitute and broke beyond what anyone can support. (With every move, thousands get wasted)

On the selfish front, I will lose what I have, and that will undermine my ability to support myself. Since my ability to get a job is unreliable, I'll have to become dependent wholly on Sam and Mat.

If Mat and Sam's resources are tied in with the house, I'm screwed. Also, I can't depend that Sam and Mat will understand my needs.

I need a skill that people will reliably pay me for...
But god, it would be so much easier if people listened to me for once.