It's taken me days to clean Sam's room (our room), and it's still not done.
I keep dragging, not wanting to clean and not getting anything done.
Sam is still paranoid about the inspection, and I feel utterly useless. Why is my soul so against cleaning? I think the illusion of order is repulsive. When I throw something away, it still exists--I end up trashing someone else's life. It doesn't do anything but make me look less responsible for humanity's destruction.
Last night, I went to the local recreation center and took a few gym classes. I took Mixxfit and Rizzmic, these are two types of classes that are structured similarly to a dvd dance workout.
To be frank, I had a great time, and even made my instructor laugh a couple times.
Which sadly, was the highlight of my week. I feel embarrassed to say it, but for the last couple of days, I haven't interacted with anyone, except Sam and Mat. It was nice to make someone laugh and be a little silly.
Though by the end of my class, my right ankle hurt, and I don't think it was good.
The combination of being stuck at home and having a potentially injured ankle, has created havoc on my psyche. What if my ankle continues to degrade? What if I can't stop it? Why do I have so little faith in stretching and mobilizations? -maybe it is because the rewards are slow and hard to detect? It takes disciple, it takes commitment, it takes faith.
Or maybe I just don't know how to observe the changes? You don't get an immediate rush from stretching. It is centered stillness...a stillness that alters slowly,like the growth of a plant.
Hmm, I wonder if you could make a time lapse of stretching.
Anyways, I decided to give my ankle a break and tried hot yoga. The heat was oppressive, and it felt like I was being smothered to death in hot blanket. It was a Yin-yasa yoga class, which functionally means that the stretches were slow and the class is quiet.
In utter silence, I stretched my hips and there was a loud crunch.
At first I thought that other people had loud joints too, but then I realized it was just me. My cracking joints were the loudest thing in the room, surpassing even the instructor's breathing and the HVAC system.
When I mediated on my body, my gums, my right foot, my right ankle and left hip ached.
I thought about how I don't listen to my body. How I violently suppress it. How I view those aches with suspicion.
Then I thought about all of the other people who have suffered around me, and how I belittled their problems....
When my mom went mostly blind, I told her she needed new glasses, Just before the fire, Wakers, the cat, wanted food and I ignored her. Sometimes during a workout,when someone complains of pain, I look at them with suspicion. --As if were are all the same physically, and that the only difference between us is strong and weak wills
Sylvia once told me that, "the key to loving others, is to first love yourself".
Frankly, I find that quote annoying. Loving yourself does not equate loving others. However, if you can't listen to yourself? (and your body screams loud) How can you listen to the screams of others?
Maybe I need to rethink how I listen? Think about if I really have compassion for others? How deep does that compassion flow?
Seated Guanyin Bodhisattva Liao Dynasty 10th-12th century CE, China. (Bodhisattva is a entity who is close to enlightenment and stays to help others reach it. Guanyin is the Bodhisattva of infinite compassion.)
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Seated Willow Branch Gwanse'eum Bosal (The Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara) Korean. Goryeo Dynasty in the late 14th Century. (Gwanse'eum Bosal is the Korean version of the Bodihsattva of infinite compassion)
(image source = http://www.saatchigallery.com/museumimages/rsm200748074748arc_pht.jpg)
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