All I wanted was a Highlighter (journal- from October)

All I wanted was a highlighter.

My guppy died, and I wanted a highlighter. Next time, I set up an aquarium, I wanted my fish to live and in my mind, using a highlighter would organize my thoughts and make everything better.

 My fish passed away at 9:00 pm , and not knowing what was open, I decided to go to the gas station.

The bright Shell logo flashed in the distance. It's eternal sign beckoning me like a siren. I came to it, like a moth to a flame.

Inside it, I roamed the bright aisles, looking for a highlighter.

At first, I couldn't find it. It was hard for me to see it. The only highlighter in the gas station was a pen. Going past the canned goods, I spotted a police officer. I know that it's irrational, but police make me nervous. My instinct is to pretend to be normal.

Even though I couldn't find my highlighter, I felt that I should buy something to look normal and not seem suspicious. After all, I didn't want to appear like I had been shoplifting.

I went to various shelves looking for something to buy, but nothing looked appealing.

As I passed the various aisles, the police officer glanced at me, and almost as if it were a knee jerk reaction, I picked up a stick of beef jerky: a meal fit for champions. Thinking that buying just a stick of jerky was dubious, I went and got myself a passion fruit Gatorade.

I took my items to the counter, and felt the eyes of the police officer stare at me. The gas station attendant could sense I was nervous or thought I was ignorant. He kept saying, you could get two of those for 3 dollars, pointing to the Gatorade, and then waited. Having the police officer breathing down my neck, it seemed like he was staring into my soul, and even though I didn't want another Gatorade, I got another drink. Then I came back, and the gas attendant pointed out that I could get two beef jerky sticks for 2 dollars, he gave me a look and waited.

Growing impatient, I felt the urge to refuse this request, but then looking back at the police officer, I decided against making a scene.

So I got begrudgingly got another jerky, and then paid for my items and left.

Pondering my own stupidity, and trying to figure out why my journey for a highlighter turned into a spending affair, I ran into a woman, whose was soaking wet from the rain.

Her chestnut brown hair was moist, and the mascara that she had put on that day had smeared across her eyes. She was wearing a red sweater, and obviously, she was cold. He arms wrapped around herself and her pale skin glistened. She asked for a ride, and feeling bad for her but also hesitant, I decided to offer her one.

As she approached my car, she told me that I was the first person to respond to her requests. That I had listened to her in her time of need. Her name was Gwen.

Anyways, I had no doubt why she didn't get a ride from anyone else, she looked like she was trouble, but I was happy to help.

I warned her that my car was messy, but she said it was ok. The rain was pouring, and it made sounds against the windshields. I could hear the wind, and for a brief moment, their was a silence between us. A silence that allowed us to hear all the elements of a storm brewing inside and outside of the car.

She requested that I take her to Jack in the Box, She had items that she had left there. Considering that Jack and the Box was only a couple of feet away, it made me feel nervous to drive there. Even in a storm, the effort of driving was more than the effort of walking, but I didn't complain, I just took Gwen to where she wanted to go.

 She got out of my car and went into the Jack in the Box. When she walked out of the store with two giant purses, all I could imagine was the giant guns she could be packing in those bags. One was pink and the other bag black. They were obviously stuffed with clothes, but my shoulder flinched because I half expected for her to pull a gun on me.

Though that obviously didn't happen. She got into the car, and thanked me for the ride.

Then I asked her where I was taking her, and she said she didn't know. She had to call her friend to get an address. I told her I had no smart phone, but then she said she had a phone with a gps system. She wanted me to take notes, where the address was, and so I turned on my car light to look for a pen.

By nature, I am a slob, and the reaction of this woman was priceless. She stared around the stuff that was in my car and asked, "Is this all junk?"
"Yeah, I know. I'm a bit of a slob"
"Are you clean?"
"Yes, I'm clean. I swear. I just don't clean up my garbage."
The moment, I stopped talking. She took a plastic trash bag and started picking items up. I asked her what she was doing, and she said that she was throwing all this garbage away. At first, I was worried she might be stealing stuff, but then looking at my mound of trash, I realized there was nothing to steal. Earlier that day, The only thing valuable was a picture of my id, which I nervously swooped up away from her. She put everything into plastic bags and threw it all away, then and there. Not meaning to, I chuckled to myself. " I was trying to help you, and now, you're cleaning my car".

I looked for a pen. I felt around the garbage piles. I felt the backseat, and in the pocket behind the woman, I could feel my knife. I had forgotten I kept a knife there. It was 6 inches and big enough not to be legal. As Gwen cleaned and sorted through the trash, I considered sneaking the knife and placing it, in the drivers door. The image of Gwen seeing me sneak a knife behind her, having her scream and attack me in self defense played out in my mind. I decided the risk of provoking and scaring didn't necessitate the need for the knife. I knew where it was, I just wanted it close.

And Gwen, I trusted her, sort of.

After Gwen's cleaning fit had been done. I started driving her. I couldn't find a pen, and after a few awkward moments of silence, I told her just to verbally to tell me where to go. She mentioned a couple of streets. I didn't know where there were because I was new to the area, but I had a guess.

She tells me to go to Southcenter parkway Blvd. I didn't know where the street was, but I did know where the South Center mall was at. She said that I was to spot a Lovers store and behind the Lovers store, her friend was waiting for her there. Driving in that direction, rain falling and the night so dark, I could imagine driving there, stopping and a group of men coming at the car. I could imagine threats, guns, knives and being shoved out of my car.

The rain pours.

"So, how did you end up stuck?" It was none of my business. I didn't really want to know, but I asked anyway.

"Some guy I was dating left me there" I mentally blocked the image of her going to another guy.

A purple neon sign that displays Lovers is visible from the freeway.

"There it is. I see it. You can turn here"

I turned into the Lovers driveway looking for a motel. I don't see a motel. I only see darkness and parking lot. Needles start to hit my stomach.

"Is this where I am supposed to take you?"

"It's here somewhere. It's got to be"

I drive around some more, looming in the darkness. Gwen points out an extended stay. She has me drive around the parking lot a few times. She says she's looking for her car.

She repeats the numbers of a door, over and over to herself. "231, 231", she mutters. Anxiety pressed across her face.

She gives up on looking, but finally she sees the friend that she was looking for. She points to a character who is only a silhouette in the shadows of the night. All I can make out is his baseball  cap. I drop her off at the parking lot, I feel that I should drop her off closer to the door, but she seems ready to go. I see her friend lurking in the distance. I try to be warm and affectionate, and consider offering her my extra Gatorade and beef jerky. But I want her out of the car. I don't want to meet her friend, whose far away presence makes me stir. And being grateful that she didn't lead me into a trap, I am happy to give her the help.

After the car door slams, I try to remember what I was doing.

Oh yeah, I wanted a highlighter. It's dark and I look at my clock. It's midnight. It's insane to look for a highlighter so late at night. I consider going to Walmart but don't know how to get there. Figuring my husband is home, I decided against a big long escapade. I go home defeated.

All I wanted was a Highlighter.

"Don't worry.", I tell myself. "There's always morning"