Fat Hate

I'm upset.

I love my older brother, but he's hurtful. He provides the fuel for self-hate and then disguises this insanity as health related advice.

Ever since he picked me up from the bus station, my brother been harping on me for being fat. Every fuckin' time he feels insecure, he fucking tells me that I'm fat.

We went to a burger joint together, and then he says, "You know, once you hit 30 and are still fat, you'll never have any hope of being in shape." And goes on " You have to spend all your money now on getting in shape. Nothing else matters, nothing. Quit everything and lose weight"

I ask him, "How am I supposed to spend my money? Being fat is not the kind of problem you can buy your way out of. It's a lifestyle change"

Somehow I tell my brother that my husband is a cook, and it's a good thing. He suggests that it's bad, and I tell him,"I know the importance of exercise, and I'm on it. I'm exercising and Sam being a cook doesn't hurt me. In fact, his education is helping me identify which foods are real and which ones are not."

My brother goes on, "Well, Margaret (my mom) spent hours on Christmas complaining how fat you are and cried several times on your behalf."

So now, I'm going to interlude with a rant.

I wasn't around for the holidays because I was working. I don't doubt what he said was true, but my mom can be nuts. I'm not mad at her-- But frankly, I'm hurt that with all that I've been through this year-- such as having my house burn down and leaving the electrical union, that my fatness is the issue. Where is the love? Where is the compassion for my feelings? I feel so alone and unloved. And your telling me to lose weight? It's no wonder I'm isolating myself from my family. It's not wonder that I didn't ask for anything for the fire or even told my family that I was even around a fire. It's no wonder, I barely ask help from anyone and maybe this is why,-- I don't want to be an object of shame. If your not here to provide some supportive help and compassion, then leave me the fuck alone.

Anyways, that thought aside, the day continues.

I try to convince my older brother to go to a fitness class, saying it will be fun, and I truly believe it. Going to yoga, rumba or something, it would be a blast with my brother. But since I've hardly ever been to Exeter, NH, I can't say where these places are and when my brother shows no interest, the issue dies. My brother thinks I was just calling him fat. If I wanted to hurt him, I'd call him fat but that's not what I want. I want him to play with me, to be goofy and be that older brother who I remember as a kid. The one who went to China, brought me scarves and told me of all his crazy adventures. I want the older brother who used to sing me goofy songs to cheer me up when I was sad. I want the older brother who feels secure about who is is and doesn't feel the need for more. No, I want him to exercise with me, so that we can play and both feel better. But he's so fuckin' insecure about who he is and what his weight is, that he doesn't understand, I don't care. I want him to be healthy, but when he puts me down, I don't see him as the same person anymore.

The day continues, and at random times in the day, he mentions my fatness.

Later we go to a pizza place. I'm not hungry because my fuckin' brother has been calling me fat all day, and then after calling me fat, he offers me pizza. But since I don't know where I am, I don't have a choice in the matter, and I go where he takes me. He buys two pizzas. I eat some. He eats some, but when he's hungry and wants more, instead of just taking a slice, he makes me eat pizza, so that he can feel better about eating his own slice of pizza.

So, we don't do any exercise, eat two big meals and then later at night, we watch TV.

I'm pissed. I was called fat all day and was not given any healthy options. I spent 12 hours of not moving on a plane to go see him, and when I get to his house, he treats me badly. Together, we watch the GO PRO station, which is just one endless GO PRO commercial. He then talks about how we are too fat to do any of the things we see.

He makes me sick, and I freakin' hate GO PRO.
Go Pro can take their shitty, low- resolution cameras and shove it up their own butt-holes